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Questionable Titles That Really Exist, Part 2

March 8, 2017
Julie Jarema
Riveted Editorial Board

Ever since I posted my last roundup of books with ridiculous amazing titles, I’ve been alerted to the fact that so many more genius ones exist.  I’ve even read a few of these, and I’d like to get my hands on more.

Are you loving this list? Have I missed your favorite strange title? Do you have plans to ponder any of these curiosities? Let me know in the comments!

 

Sad Underwear and Other Complicationsby Judith Viorst

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Someone with sad underwear.
Sad underwear?
How can that be?
When my best friend's mad at me,
Everything is sad.
Even my underwear.

Only Judith Viorst, with the perfect pitch for the trials of childhood that has made her Alexander books modern classics, could create an ode to melancholy unmentionables. But the title poem is just one of the many pleasures in this collection, which bursts with wit and understanding -- and the occasional poignant note.
Sure to delight readers of Shel Silverstein and Jack Prelutsky, as well as Viorst's own legions of fans, Sad Underwear is a perfect companion volume to her celebrated If I Were In Charge of the World.

Drink, Slay, Loveby Sarah Beth Durst

Vampire romance takes a snarky turn in this humorous novel, coming soon to TV screens as a Lifetime Original Movie!

Pearl is a sixteen-year-old vampire…fond of blood, allergic to sunlight, and mostly evil…until the night a sparkly unicorn stabs her through the heart with his horn. Oops.

Her family thinks she was attacked by a vampire hunter (because, obviously, unicorns don’t exist), and they’re shocked she survived. They’re even more shocked when Pearl discovers she can now withstand the sun. But they quickly find a way to make use of her new talent. The Vampire King of New England has chosen Pearl’s family to host his feast. If Pearl enrolls in high school, she can make lots of human friends and lure them to the King’s feast—as the entrées.

The only problem? Pearl’s starting to feel the twinges of a conscience. How can she serve up her new friends—especially the cute guy who makes her fangs ache—to be slaughtered? Then again, she’s definitely dead if she lets down her family. What’s a sunlight-loving vamp to do?

Drink, Slay, Loveby Sarah Beth Durst

Vampire romance takes a snarky turn in this humorous novel, coming soon to TV screens as a Lifetime Original Movie!

Pearl is a sixteen-year-old vampire…fond of blood, allergic to sunlight, and mostly evil…until the night a sparkly unicorn stabs her through the heart with his horn. Oops.  

   Her family thinks she was attacked by a vampire hunter (because, obviously, unicorns don’t exist), and they’re shocked she survived. They’re even more shocked when Pearl discovers she can now withstand the sun. But they quickly find a way to make use of her new talent. The Vampire King of New England has chosen Pearl’s family to host his feast. If Pearl enrolls in high school, she can make lots of human friends and lure them to the King’s feast—as the entrées.   

  The only problem? Pearl’s starting to feel the twinges of a conscience. How can she serve up her new friends—especially the cute guy who makes her fangs ache—to be slaughtered? Then again, she’s definitely dead if she lets down her family. What’s a sunlight-loving vamp to do?

Do Bananas Chew Gum?by Jamie Gilson

Sam acts like a smart aleck to keep from looking dumb. Sam Mott's made it most of the way through sixth grade barely able to read and write. Now Sam's family's moved again, and none of the kids in his new school have started calling him Dumbhead Sam -- yet. But how long can Sam keep his problem secret when even the second grader he baby-sits for reads better than he does?

Nostradamus Ate My Hamsterby Robert Rankin

Robert wants to be a star in the movies. He has invented a system with his computer that could put the old stars back on the screen, alongside him. He has the script and the money, but Hollywood isn't keen. Could the perfect partnership lie with Ernest Fudgepacker of Fudgepacker's Emporium?

Surviving Your Stupid, Stupid Decision to Go to Grad Schoolby Adam Ruben

This is a book for dedicated academics who consider spending years masochistically overworked and underappreciated as a laudable goal. They lead the lives of the impoverished, grade the exams of whiny undergrads, and spend lonely nights in the library or laboratory pursuing a transcendent truth that only six or seven people will ever care about. These suffering, unshaven sad sacks are grad students, and their salvation has arrived in this witty look at the low points of grad school.

Inside, you’ll find:

• advice on maintaining a veneer of productivity in front of your advisor
• tips for sleeping upright during boring seminars
• a description of how to find which departmental events have the best unguarded free food
• how you can convincingly fudge data and feign progress

This hilarious guide to surviving and thriving as the lowliest of life-forms—the grad student—will elaborate on all of these issues and more.

Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdomby Reginald Bakeley

Help is on the way! In the tradition of Lemony Snicket and Roald Dahl, "Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop" shows how to banish those pesky dark Fairy creatures who are ready to thwart every last pleasure--be it gardening, country hikes, or even getting a good night's sleep.

In this charming guide, "fairy hunter" Reginald Bakeley offers practical instructions to clear your home and garden of these unsettling inhabitants, and banish them from your chicken coop and kitchen cupboard forever.

In "Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop" readers will discover:
- Why a bustle in one's hedgerow may be cause for alarm
- Why a garden fumigator may come in handy on evenings at the pub
- Why a toy merchant, a butcher, and a Freemason are among your best allies in the fight against the fey

"Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop" is the only complete manual on how to identify, track, defend, and destroy those bothersome brownies, goblins, dwarves, scheming flower-fairies, and other nasty members of the fairy realm.

Do-It-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and Peopleby Dale Power

Dale Power departs from his usual animal carvings, burying himself in a new art form-the manufacture of special boxes for pets and people. Here's one project you won't want to put off till tomorrow. All of the tools and techniques needed to produce strong and beautiful coffins are presented here in clear, concise language. Color photographs illustrate every step in the construction of three pet-size and three human-size coffins. Detailed patterns are provided and different box construction techniques are revealed. One box design even doubles as a beautiful blanket chest or coffee table. Once the coffins are built, the discussion turns to the many moldings, appliques, linings, and finishes which may be used to make each coffin unique. A color gallery is also provided. With full color illustrations and detailed instructions, this book is a challenge to the novice and a joy for the experienced craftsman.

Half Asleep in Frog Pajamasby Tom Robbins

When the stock market crashes on the Thursday before Easter, you—an ambitious, although ineffectual and not entirely ethical young broker—are convinced that you’re facing the Weekend from Hell. Before the market reopens on Monday, you’re going to have to scramble and scheme to cover your butt, but there’s no way you can anticipate the baffling disappearance of a 300-pound psychic, the fall from grace of a born-again monkey, or the intrusion in your life of a tattooed stranger intent on blowing your mind and most of your fuses. Over these fateful three days, you will be forced to confront everything from mysterious African rituals to legendary amphibians, from tarot-card bombshells to street violence, from your own sexuality to outer space. This is, after all, a Tom Robbins novel—and the author has never been in finer form.

Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining: America’s Toughest Family Court Judge Speaks Outby Judy Sheindlin

Can we get some reality in here? asks Judy Sheindlin, former supervising judge for Manhattan Family Court. For twenty-four years she has laid down the law as she understands it.

If you want to eat, you have to work.

If you have children, you'd better support them.

If you break the law, you have to pay.

If you tap the public purse, you'd better be accountable.

Now she abandons all judicial restraint in a scathing critique of the system -- filled with realistic hard-nosed alternatives to our bloated welfare bureaucracy and our soft-on-crime laws.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?by Philip K. Dick

It was January 2021, and Rick Deckard had a license to kill.
Somewhere among the hordes of humans out there, lurked several rogue androids. Deckard's assignment--find them and then..."retire" them. Trouble was, the androids all looked exactly like humans, and they didn't want to be found!

So Long and Thanks for All the Fishby Douglas Adams

Back on Earth with nothing more to show for his long, strange trip through time and space than a ratty towel and a plastic shopping bag, Arthur Dent is ready to believe that the past eight years were all just a figment of his stressed-out imagination. But a gift-wrapped fishbowl with a cryptic inscription, the mysterious disappearance of Earth's dolphins, and the discovery of his battered copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy all conspire to give Arthur the sneaking suspicion that something otherworldly is indeed going on. . . .
God only knows what it all means. And fortunately, He left behind a Final Message of explanation. But since it's light-years away from Earth, on a star surrounded by souvenir booths, finding out what it is will mean hitching a ride to the far reaches of space aboard a UFO with a giant robot. But what else is new?

Withering Tightsby Louise Rennison

Hilarious new series from Queen of Teen – laugh your tights off at the (VERY) amateur dramatic antics of Talullah and her bonkers mates. Boys, snogging and bad acting guaranteed!

Picture the scene: Dother Hall performing arts college somewhere Up North, surrounded by rolling dales, bearded cheesemaking villagers (male and female) and wildlife of the squirrely-type. On the whole, it’s not quite the showbiz experience Tallulah was expecting… but once her mates turn up and they start their ‘FAME! I’m gonna liiiiive foreeeeeever, I’m gonna fill my tiiiiights’ summer course things are bound to perk up.

Especially when the boys arrive. (When DO the boys arrive?)

Six weeks of parent-free freedom. BOY freedom. Freedom of expression… cos it’s the THEATRE dahling, the theatre!!

Ghosts: Minnesota’s Other Natural Resourceby Brian Leffler

First-hand paranormal experiences are related from Minnesota's most haunted places. Read about actively haunted Lakeview Cemetery, where the Potter's Field for Shaw Hospital was located and a ghostly potato garden spirit who resides at Moon Lake, making rounds through the house that sits on its grave. Eavesdrop on a paranormal investigation at Union Depot, where a bodiless apparition moves between train cars. Join singing star Barry Cowsill who haunts a Grand Marais home. Gather tips from the first-rate investigative team, Northern Minnesota Paranormal Investigators, who guide you through some of the best ghostly hangouts in the country. Minnesota's ghosts will haunt you.

Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrelsby Bill Adler

Bird-loving Americans share a common problem: squirrels! These fast, greedy, incredibly crafty, fluffy-tailed rodents pillage birdfeeders before owners’ very eyes. For 25 years, Outwitting Squirrels has been leading the charge to help bird lovers defend their feeders. This classic defense manual for the besieged birder has been fully updated to deal with the more tech-savvy twenty-first-century squirrel. It provides 101 cunning strategies, both serious and hilarious, for outsmarting these furry, but not so cute, creatures. Adler discusses the different bird personalities and the best seed to attract them. He rates birdfeeders based upon how squirrel-proof, or squirrel-vexing, they are and discusses creative antisquirrel structures and devices. Spooker poles, Perrier bottles, baffled fishing line, Teflon spray, Vaseline, water bombs, cayenne pepper, and Nixalite—the author has tried them all, and here he regales intrepid bird feeders with his squirrel-thwarting adventures and misadventures.

The Encyclopaedia of Medical Ignorance: Exploring the Frontiers of Medical Knowledgeby Ronald Duncan; M. Weston-Smith

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