So, I’ve Become Captain Hook.

January 20, 2017
Keri Horan
Riveted Editorial Board

As I was standing on a crowded subway train on my way home from work last week, I realized Captain Hook has been unfairly judged. Beside me, a child ran circles around his mother. The exhausted woman, like me, just wanted some peace and quiet. But no matter how many times she grabbed his arm and told him to stay still, he just started up again the second she let go. I get you, lady. I really, really do.

It was then that I realized the older I get, the more I start to identify with a character from my favorite childhood story. Only, not the one that I used to. I used to be a Peter—wanting to stay up late, hang out with my friends, and I mean, who doesn’t want to be able to fly? But now, I’ve come to the sad realization that I’ve become Captain Hook. I just want to be able to hang out at home and not have anyone bother me. And when that doesn’t happen, I get really annoyed. So, I completely and totally get why Captain Hook was so pissed off all the time. Here are six things that I would find incredibly frustrating if I were him, and why it’s understandable for Hook to be so pissed all the time:

The Dude’s Been Burned.

Let’s not forget that Peter was the instigator here. Wouldn’t you be more than a little upset if someone chopped off your hand and fed it to a large reptile? No offense, Peter, but Hook is completely justified in wanting revenge here, kiddo.

Kids Making Noise. All. The. Effing. Time.

They “crow” until all hours of the night. As someone who lives next to a rather noisy sports bar and tries to go to sleep before, oh, say, four in the morning? I completely empathize with the fact that kids screaming (or in my case drunk sports fans) until all hours of the night is obnoxious. It would probably make anyone more than a little irritated. It also explains why Hook is so quick to kill the crew member who starts singing annoyingly. Dude just wants some quiet!

Oh, And Also Kids Sneaking Into His Home and Stealing His Crap.

If a group of parentless children kept sneaking into your home and stealing your stuff, wouldn’t you be angry all the time? I get annoyed when my roommates move my stuff, and they’re allowed to be there. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to have children sneaking in and playing pranks, moving my things, or stealing stuff every damn day.

Peter is Popular; Hook is Not.

Growing up, Hook was trained to be a ruthless pirate captain by his mother, Mama Hook. The problem is Hook wasn’t very good at it, and it resulted in his not having many friends. He was constantly ostracized, and eventually Hook learned to rule by fear. I can completely get why he looks at Peter, the star of the show and everyone’s favorite Lost Boy, and feels a twinge of jealousy that he was never that kid growing up.

It’s Never a Fair Fight

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Peter can literally fly…and chooses to use that power to taunt Hook. During one of their many battles, Hook calls Peter a coward for always flying out of reach during their fights. Peter responds by agreeing not to fly anymore and when he does, he’s immediately disarmed. If Peter couldn’t fly, these fights would be much more evenly matched, and Hook would probably be a lot less annoyed all the time. Kind of the same feeling I get when I see a twelve-year-old with an iPhone 7 while I’m still over here rocking my iPhone 5. Not a fair fight, you guys.

He’s Trying to Adult So Hard and It’s Just Not Working

For all his faults, Hook tries to be a gentleman. He respects the rules of war (for the most part) and insists everyone around him have good form (at least in my favorite iteration of the story: Hook). Dude, I get it. You’re tired, you’re frustrated and you just want some peace and quiet. If everyone just followed the rules, and you know, like, stopped cutting people’s hands off, maybe we could all just get along?

Want to read more about the unfairly judged Captain Hook? Check out Lisa Maxwell’s Unhooked, available as a full free read until January 23rd!

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