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A Completely Objective and Scientific Analysis of Zombies vs. Unicorns*

April 10, 2017
Julie Jarema
Riveted Editorial Board

I confess, I’m completely biased when it comes to the age-old debate over zombies vs. unicorns. My firm alliance with sparkles and magic, as opposed to rotting sacks of mobile flesh, is kind of a no-brainer (except not, because Team Unicorn all the way). But for those of you out there who are still undecided, I’ve written up the following objective* scientific comparative analysis to help you consider the attributes of zombies and unicorns—in their various forms as described in our current free read Zombies vs. Unicorns—so you can come to the right conclusion for yourself. Then, let me know if you’re Team Zombie or Team Unicorn in the comments below!


Category 1: Best symbolic meaning?

ZOMBIES – Zombies generally embody death, boredom, uniformity, and decay for all humankind. And shambling.

UNICORNS – On the other hand, unicorns represent healing, purity, majesty, and rainbows.1

CONCLUSION – Although zombies may have a stronger metaphorical resonance with the current state of humanity, Team Unicorn wins because rainbows. This is not rigged. It’s just logical.

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Category 2: Best to be trapped with in a mineshaft?

ZOMBIES – Pros: You could yank off its limbs to assemble a makeshift rope of sorts to pull yourself out. Cons: You might get eaten first.

UNICORNS – Pros: You get to spend some quality time in with your unicorn. Cons: It would be a very tight fit for the both of you trapped in that narrow space together.

CONCLUSION – Let’s think about this: would you rather get eaten alive or be smooshed against a wall by the embodiment of happiness? A little uncomfortability never hurt anyone. I’m going to give this one to Team Unicorn. I assume you’re away at school all day, so some bonding time with your unicorn, filled with hugs and cuddles, was probably needed anyway.

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Category 3: Best creature to get a piggyback ride from?

ZOMBIES – Think about the diseases. Also you might die as the zombie collapses under your weight or if it decides to gnaw on your leg and infect you forever. Sure, the zombie is less discerning than a unicorn typically would be about who rides on its back, but is that really a good thing in this case?

UNICORN – So what if they’re a little pickier with who they hang out with? You’ve got to be a fair virgin maiden and descendent of royalty?2 Well, at least unicorns were designed for giving piggyback rides and most likely will not try to eat you in the process.

CONCLUSION – No surprise—Team Unicorn wins again. It’s like the zombies are purposely trying NOT to be good at anything.

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Category 4: More fun to kill?

ZOMBIES – Some go splat; some fall apart in shambly pieces; sometimes you need to shoot them in the face or run over them with a car—I suppose the possibilities are endless.

UNICORNS – What is wrong with you, you monster? How could you ever kill a unicorn? Even if they’re a baby killer unicorn?!3

CONCLUSION – I’ve thought long and hard about this. Is eternal life super fun after drinking all that unicorn blood? Probably. Then again, look at Voldemort. Was he having a good time living as a parasite on the back of a questionable person’s head? I’m going to have to give this one to Team Zomb—ROBOT! In a stunning turn of events, the correct answer is robots. It’s like electrocuting a zombie and getting unicorn sparkles that burst out at the same time—an overall win and neither creature mentioned in the anthology was harmed! No points for those slacker zombies.

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Category 5: Best creature to be?

ZOMBIES – You lose your humanity to become a mindless, shuffling being that oozes. Perks are…you get to stay in a celebrity’s house with her cannibalistic babies?4 You might get your freedom back or whatever?5 You get to eat your macaroni and cheesy crush?6

UNICORNS – You get to poke things! And do magic!

CONCLUSION – I have all those zombie traits anytime I have to wake up before 11 AM. Why would I want to feel like that all the time? No thank you. Plus the internet has sagely advised everyone to be a unicorn, given the opportunity:

Riveted - Be a unicorn

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Category 6: More entertaining?

ZOMBIES – They flail their inside-out organs at you from the other side of the fence, ultimately trapping you inside of a former pot farm. This leads you to perform complicated safety drills and surf on the roofs of cars.5

UNICORN – They’ll prance you directly to the biggest party of the year and dangle your enemies by the swim trunks from their horns.7

CONCLUSION – Though roof surfing may sound fun, nothing can top a party pony!

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Category 7: Best genre?

ZOMBIES – The majority of the zombie stories included in this anthology do happen to be love stories. But also horror because zombies.

UNICORNS – They cover everything from dark fairy tales to absurd, contemporary high school stories.

CONCLUSION – I guess this one is up to you. Do you prefer gross romance or wacky fairy tales? Let me tell you now, though, that the wacky fairy tales will not result in your face getting eaten off. Your decision.

 

*Admittedly, I have taken a loose interpretation of the word “objective.” Guess you’ll just have to consult Zombies vs. Unicorns for yourself to root for your favorite zombicorns.

 

1”The Highest Justice” by Garth Nix

2”Purity Test” by Naomi Novik

3“The Care and Feeding of Your Baby Killer Unicorn” by Diana Peterfreund

4“The Children of the Revolution” by Maureen Johnson

5”Inoculata” by Scott Westerfeld

6”Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Alaya Dawn Johnson

7”Princess Prettypants” by Meg Cabot